Thursday, June 19, 2014

Picking Favorites of the New Emojis Coming Soon to Communication Devices Near You

Expressive texters the world over rejoiced this week at the announcement that 250 new emojis will be released next month. In this strange day and age where I feel a dancing woman in a red dress followed by a cone spewing confetti can more express my hopes for an evening than any string of words the old English language might afford me, this is welcome news. This emoji download will offer more than ten times the choice of letters in the roman alphabet (even more when compared to Internet Parlance -- seeya vowels!), but let's narrow it down to the cream of the crop.

Derelict House Building: When looking for the perfect way to tweet about your recent trip to Detroit, this emoji will save precious characters. 

National Park: Will this be a specific park? Which one?? If so, how will it be recognizable in the tiny space of an emoji?! So much suspense! I hope it's Mount Rushmore. 

Lower Right Shadowed White Circle
Upper Right Shadowed White Circle: Good to see the emoji company has finally recognized our need for choice in matters of shadowy circles. 

Right Speaker With One Sound Wave
Right Speaker With Three Sound Waves: Once again, the tyranny of choice. Perhaps next round we can expect a speaker with two sound waves, to indicate the kind of mid-level rager that happens, say, at an office holiday party in a conference room haphazardly spruced up with a few limp streamers, where men in high-waisted khakis and women in pantsuits sip non-alcoholic punch and shuffle uncertainly to light rock. (See how much space I could have just saved with a two-sound waver and the collared shirt emoji??)

Man In Business Suit Levitating: If I had a nickel for every time I could use this emoticon I would have exactly as much money as this blog is worth. 

Joystick: Is this a euphemism??

Reversed Hand With Middle Finger Extended: It's about damn time. Far and away the most highly anticipated emoji, for the pure reason that one of the downsides to our increasingly isolated, internet-communicating society is the loss of opportunity to flip someone an offensive hand gesture. 

Fax Icon: What is this mysterious device? I think I remember hearing about it once in a 90s movie. If the next big app to launch is a time machine, there's also a Floppy Disk emoji you should find useful. 

Dagger Knife: When Gun, Steak Knife, Bomb, Pill or Syringe just won't get the job done. Patrick Bateman can finally tweet. 

Slightly Frowning Face
Slightly Smiling Face: For when :) or :( are just too damn expressive.  

North West Pointing Leaf: WILL this be a tree branch extending towards the the baby Kardashian? If not I see no use for it. 

Waiting with bated breath (and slightly smiling face). 

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