Friday, May 16, 2014

How to Not F*ck Up Your Home: Extraneous Kitchen Tools

One of the quickest and most surefire ways to f*uck up your home is to rack up every  hot, new,  “necessary” kitchen tool from your favorite culinary supply store and/or in-flight magazine. While we all want an old-timey hand-crank apple peeler to add that touch of English Country charm to our kitchen, some of the most widely popular kitchen tools and appliances, I’m convinced, exist purely to provide an eyesore in an otherwise attractive space (often with the added benefit of condoning outright laziness). Some of the most egregious offenders:

The Drying Rack: Why, in God’s name, was this invented? Surely, the extra 4 calories burned swiping your frying pan with a kitchen towel will not exhaust you completely? Certainly, the 16 inches of counter space sacrificed are worth more than a temporary holding place eight inches from your dishes’ proper home? Does the thought of drying your cutlery so fill you with dread that you must shell out currency for this cruel limbo between sink and drawer? I’m willing to bet that once a plate has been placed on this hideous contraption it rarely ever again sees the comfort of it’s cabinet; in fact, I’d imagine it is likely to stay there until the next meal, thereby entering into a tragic cycle between sink and rack. And why do these always tend to be made out of a nauseatingly ugly beige plastic sure to show off the mildew accrued by weeks’ worth of dripping dishes who will now likely never make it back to their rightful space in the cupboard? Buy a damn towel and put your s*** away. 
The Automatic Coffee Machine: I never drank coffee until a few years ago, and when I first began to crave caffeine, I bought a French press, mainly because, as is reason enough for most selections, I thought it was cute. But here’s the other thing about a French press: at most, it takes up 5 square inches of counter space. Growing up, my mother roused each morning to set into motion an automatic coffee machine that was approximately the size of a standard oven. This chrome-edged behemoth spent the better part of an hour grinding and squeezing and spitting away (all with the accompanying noises) to produce a hot cup of coffee usually immediately after we’d decided we could wait no more and dashed out to meet the school bus. Evidently, and unfortunately unsurprisingly, the automatic model is preferred in America to the French press because it requires less work. Yes, with all of the calories I’ve burned pressing down that tiny metal rod after an excruciating 5-minute wait, I think I’ve earned Starbucks. 

The SodaStream™: I just never really got this. Admittedly, I'm not a huge soda drinker, but when one of my housemates put one in our kitchen Senior year of college I did suggest we use it to re-carbonate day old beer to better facilitate 2-party weekends. Once this idea was shot down, I became disillusioned with the thing pretty quickly. Is your Crystal Light really that much better with tiny bubbles in it? $179.99 better? (SodaStream refills are $3; a 2Liter bottle of Seltzer is around $1. Just think about it.)

The Electric Can Opener: This falls within the annoyance realm of the drying rack. The human race has reversed evolution and been reverted to incapable lugs reliant on aid for any mundane task. What in God's name is wrong with the normal, handheld one that everyone in his right mind has been using since the 1850s (that's right, can openers were patented in 1855!)? I can understand the benefit for an arthritic octogenarian, but really, these should not be available for sale except through nursing home order or 80th birthday registry (if those exist, which they should; I think once you've passed 80 you deserve to tell your loved ones and supposed loved ones what to buy you). Besides, most cans have pull-tabs anyway. Oh, wait -- there's a tool for that, too. We're beyond hope. 

Basically anything on Except for this. This is a necessity for any kitchen. 

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